Sadly, Convenient Truths Are Rare

…and yet, here I am shouting into the void that is The Internet™ knowing full well that Erika is 100% correct.

The hell is wrong with me?

In Addition to Jumping, White Men Have No Foot Speed

Or so thinks LaVar Ball, whose current claim to fame is that he’s the father of UCLA basketball’s Lonzo Ball. LaVar almost made it as a NFL player back in his hay days.

“Realistically you can’t win no championship with three white guys because the foot speed is too slow,” LaVar Ball said.

I can legitimately imagine all kinds of ways this was taken out of context. Additionally, I know that I’m a white guy and that relative to Lonzo Ball, my foot speed is complete crap. This may be at least one of the many reasons I never made a Division I NCAA basketball team. The idea that I have no foot speed because I’m white though, that may be a little off. Obviously it’s because of my Swiss heritage….everybody knows the Swiss have no foot speed.

I would have loved to hear a follow-up question of “what is the appropriate ratio of white guys a team needs to win a championship?” But, alas, there was no such follow-up.

Conversations like this are tough because they devolve into finger pointing and the historical oppressors (“white people”) suddenly feel like they get to start playing the victim card. Yes, if a white person said that “black people have weak hamstrings” or some other stupid shit that’s been spouted over the years about African Americans it would be called out as being “racist as a shit.” Which, yeah. LaVar should be called out, but I’d like to see it go down like this:

LaVar: White people got no foot speed.
Steve Nash: Okay, how about we have a foot speed competition between Lonzo and myself. I’m white and hella old, should be easy for him to win.
LaVar: Oh, uh…I actually only meant the three white starters on Lonzo’s team. They’re the ones that are slow.
Steve Nash: So now you’re saying skin color may not contribute to foot speed and that it’s likely based on a wide variety of genetic factors?
LaVar: Uh…something like that?
Steve Nash: Glad we could clear that up!

Wise up, LaVar! The hell is wrong with you!?

What’s a Little Nepotism Between Friends?

Jeffrey Sonnenfel, writing for Politico, tells us to chill out over Trump surrounding himself with family members in the White House.

This is not to diminish the work of experts, nor to suggest that they should be ignored. Rather, perhaps it is time for nostalgia for the clubbiness of the best and the brightest to be left in the library shelves and not the corridors of the White House.

Mr Sonnenfel previously details past administrations where all kinds of presidents had all kinds of people. History is crazy! What he doesn’t address is that the Trump family agenda is mainly to enrich the Trump family. Sure, they’ll have to try and do some other things because election season started before the inauguration, but it’s a good bet they’ll still be able to focus on doing what they do best: getting the money.

The hell is wrong with you, Sonnenfel?

That Doughnut Thing

It’s tragic that a person died eating a doughnut at a doughnut eating contest. Yes, we can make all the Darwin Awards jokes there are, but…what I’m really curious about is if this is an eating contest, somebody is paying attention. There’s all kinds of people standing around, gawking. None of these people knew the damn Heimlich maneuver?!

The hell is wrong with you people?!

Deciding Who Lives and Who Dies

Death panels anyone? Because this is what that looks like and would be. Conservative values on this one breaks down to, “you probably made poor life decisions, we’re not going to help you, fuck you we hope you die and stop being a burden on society.” If that doesn’t scream “pro life”, I don’t know what does…

If Walker gets his way, Wisconsin would be the first state in the country with mandatory drug screening for Medicaid enrollees.

Scott Walker, everybody already knows the hell is wrong with you.

Mark Davis Is Cruel

Mark Davis, owner of the Oakland Raiders, is taking them to Las Vegas.

“We plan to play at the Coliseum in 2017 and 2018 and hope to stay there as the Oakland Raiders until the new stadium opens. We would love nothing more than to bring a championship back to the Bay Area.”

We get it. The NFL is a business. A very, very big business that just happens to prey on the tribal instincts that humans have yet to shed. That’s fine, you want to make a shit ton of money. That’s fair. Wait…you’re announcing that you’re going to leave and still play in Oakland for two seasons while they build your new stadium, leaving Oakland fans to decide if they should waste another cent on the team that’s declared they’re going to leave?

Mark Davis, the hell is wrong with you?!

1984 is Knocking At Our Doors Again

Amber Rudd, UK Home Secretary, thinks that once her government has access to Whatsapp messages terrorism will be easier to stop.

“It used to be that people would steam open envelopes or just listen in on phones when they wanted to find out what people were doing, legally, through warranty.

Steaming open envelopes? Sounds amazing! Tell me more about all these high tech ways the government used to spy on people…in the 1800’s. Fun facts, terrorists also use cars, breathe air, drink water, and occasionally take vitamins to stay healthy.

To quote Bruce Schneier, who knows far more about cryptography and security than Rudd:

Any weakening [of encryption], even in the name of legitimate law enforcement, puts us all at risk. Even though criminals benefit from strong encryption, we’re all much more secure when we all have strong encryption.

The hell is wrong with you, Rudd?!